Katherine "Kissin' Kate" Barlow (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ikissdhimbck) wrote2009-08-07 03:03 am
ikissdhimbck) wrote2009-08-07 03:03 am
Entry tags:
OOM sorta: Bill's room
[following this:]
He doesn't say a word as he escorts her out of the stables and up the path to the bar. She doesn't blame him, and so she remains respectfully quiet, letting him decide when he's ready to ask the questions she knows are coming. It gives her time to process everything, anyway. Time to catch her breath.
However, when they enter the bar and he leads her towards the stairs rather than to the staff offices, she looks at him quizzically.
"Where we goin'?"
.
He doesn't say a word as he escorts her out of the stables and up the path to the bar. She doesn't blame him, and so she remains respectfully quiet, letting him decide when he's ready to ask the questions she knows are coming. It gives her time to process everything, anyway. Time to catch her breath.
However, when they enter the bar and he leads her towards the stairs rather than to the staff offices, she looks at him quizzically.
"Where we goin'?"
.
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The fact that she, too, would have died doesn't seem to bother her as much as it should.
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Crossing to the desk he looks at the guns laying there, then turns back around to face her.
"Y'ever been shot, Kate?" There's an edge in his voice; he's trying so hard to make her see, make her understand.
"Y'ever had to lay there while your life spills out all over the damn floor? Y'dont' want that. I don't care how hard or screwed up you think your life is right now, you Don't. Want. That."
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Arms crossed over her middle, she reenters the room at length. Standing in the center, she stays quiet while he speaks. He's not shouting, but still the words ring in her ears.
She looks down briefly.
"Bill, I'm sorry y'got pulled into this. I can't 'magine just what kinds of memories you..."
She stops short, shaking her head once.
"I don't mean no disrespect to you, you gotta know that. But you don't understand."
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He doesn't understand, and he doesn't want to if that justifies her killing herself and putting a bullet into someone else.
"There's no reason at all you gotta be doin' this, 'specially not here. Maybe in your world where you gotta reputation that's gonna keep you alive, but you ain't wanted here, you ain't runnin', an' no ones here to cut you down. If there's anywhere at all you can let go the outlaw, it's here."
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She falls silent, keeping her eyes on the ground until she's composed herself again. When she looks back up her blue eyes are steady as ever, though her brow is knitted slightly as she begs for him to understand this.
"He's exactly the kind of man that killed my daddy. He's exactly the kind of man who killed Doc's friend Tunstall, just so's he could take his land."
Greedy men, filled with hate and selfishness. Men like Trout Walker, who thought he had a right to whatever he wanted. And when Kate said no, it cost Sam his life.
"Why do you think I'm even here, Bill? Why I ain't plunged myself t'the bottom of the lake, yet?" she continues.
She could have already died a dozen times over -- sometimes, she feels like she already has. But she's soldiered on for one main reason.
She purses her lips together, and takes a step closer to him.
"How would you feel, if lovin' Kate was enough that the law in her world saw it just and fit to execute her, right before your eyes? How would you feel, if the most tender, and vulnerable moment of your life, was exactly the moment that robbed her of hers?" she breathes.
She gives him a moment to consider that thought before she continues.
"I don't care what men like Ramon think of me, or do to me. I'm livin' on borrowed time as it is. I. want. justice. I want them t'look at the lives they've spoiled, and see that their money can't buy their freedom, their arrogance can't win every fight.
"They will pay for what they've done."
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What she's asking him to, he can't imagine. Not the way she's describing it. There's no way he could come close to feeling the way she must, and he knows it.
He's lost Kate countless times in nightmares; at the gas station, to the events in L.A., even in the Old Kingdom and to Grant and the slugs, but it's only dreams and he knows it doesn't compare to her experiences.
He has faced men like she's describing. Eric Lawson was one, and so was the Doctor. He knows what they're capable of, he's suffered because of them, and yet when he faced one, Lawson, the man who turned Bill's life upside down with a pair of bullets, Bill turned his back on him. A million consequences would have followed, but the truth is, Bill had the opportunity to take the kind of justice Kate is describing, and he let it go.
He's not sure which of them is stronger for their decision.
His thoughts go over everything, all the details of their lives; the similarities and differences, the choices, the things they both have done, and there's no final answer for any of it.
"Kate-- "
His voice is quiet after the long spell of silence, and his eyes reopen and focus on her.
"I can't-- What you're doin', I can't say it's the right thing."
A beat, and it's clear he's reluctant to go on.
"I can't say it's the wrong thing, neither. Nothin' that's happened to you is right, an' it ain't deserved, but it scares the hell outta me knowin' this is what you're out there doin'."
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"I'm by myself, Bill. I gotta protect myself."
Seriously:
"I didn't go lookin' for a fight with Ramon. He brought one to me. I was lucky you wandered by, but if y'hadn't, it would have been up t'me to protect myself. It's what I gotta do."
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"Yeah."
His eyes go down to the gun on her hip, then back to her.
"I gotta go check on him. Y'outta stay here, I'll be back in a little while."
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Her gaze falls short of his face, somewhere around his throat, and she nods.
"I don't... I mean t'say, I can go t'my room if you'd prefer."
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"It's your choice, Kate. All I ask is that y'stay away from him."
A part of him doubts that she will.
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She stands in silence for a long moment more, chewing her bottom lip.
"I'm sorry, Bill," she murmurs at last.
I know you're disappointed.
Feeling that she has outstayed her welcome, she quietly turns toward the door to leave.
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What happened with Ramon, what they've been talking about, the situation between them or something else entirely.
Whatever it's for, an apology isn't want he wants. In truth, he doesn't know what he wants, but it seems whatever it is, isn't something he can have.
She's quiet, but he can still picture her at the door, ready to open it and leave.
"Kate-- "
He doesn't know what to say. He's run out of things to tell her, arguments to make, and it feels like they're two walls talking at each other.
He can see where she's coming from, but can't fully understand it. She seems to know what he's saying, but can't alter what she's already chosen to do.
"Y'don't gotta apologize. There's just some things... ain't no one can change."
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"Y'asked me what's the point," she mutters quietly, keeping her eyes on the door. "Why it's worth throwin' my life away.
"Bill, my life is already gone. I ain't got nothin' else t'throw 'way. This is all I have. An' it ain't much ... but I don't got a family t'go back to, or a home t'keep, I ain't got no money or possessions, no land and no name.
"If I die out there, ain't no one will miss me.
"But, before I go, they're sure as hell gonna remember me."
And with that, she turns the knob, and leaves the room.
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He turns around but she's already out the door. He takes a half step after her then stops, realizing that she's gone.
Guilt and frustration grind in his belly and he's stuck wrestling with it all.
Finally he turns back to the desk, hesitating before picking up the rifle.
He needs to check on Ramon.
When he gets there, the stables are empty.