OOM: Room #25 (WARNING: Contains triggery content)

[ikissdhimbck]

[following this:]


After Guppy takes Alex home, Kate eventually does make it to the fire to warm up. Of course, by this point her body is already warm; it's her heart that feels chilled. She dispenses with the tea, and just takes the whiskey for a second and third drink.

It's late by the time she's able to muddle through her thoughts well enough to drag herself upstairs. All she wants to do is collapse into her bed and sleep, but once she reaches the landing--


Doc.


He'll be expecting her.

She stands there for a moment, gathering her wits about her.

I don't want him to see me like this.

She swallows hard, steeling herself for what she knows she has to do next. She can't just bypass his room without a word; not when they've been spending so many nights together. Not when he'll be expecting her. Not when they've just had the intimacy 'conversation.' She'll pull herself together long enough to tell him she needs a quiet night to sleep. Everything's fine, she just misses her own bed. She'll be right as rain come tomorrow.

When she stops outside his door, she doesn't take out her key and walk in. For some reason, tonight she knocks.

.

Comments

[scurlock]

"It ain't like that."

His chin lifts slightly as he swallows down the boulder-sized lump in his throat, dropping his voice.

"I still love you regardless, but with how strange you've been actin' lately towards me, I can't...I'm wonderin' if I ain't givin' you what you need."

[ikissdhimbck]

Her fingers curl into the fabric of her blouse at her elbows, her knuckles alabaster. She doesn't speak for a long time, as all her focus is on one looping thought.

Don't you cry. Don't you cry. Don't you cry. Don't you cry. Don't you cry. Don't you cry.

"No..."

She swallows hard, but can't get her words past the lump in her throat.

[scurlock]

Footsteps sound on the floor of the hall as someone rounds the corner, heading their direction. On instinct, Doc steps backward and reaches for Kate's hand, to pull her inside.

They can continue this conversation in the privacy -- and safety -- of his room.

[ikissdhimbck]

She stumbles across the threshold, not seeing or expecting Doc's hand when he pulls her inside. She can do little else but blindly fall in line, pacing beyond his body to the middle of the room.

[scurlock]

As she passes (stumbles) him and enters the room, he can smell the whiskey on her breath with her sharp exhale.

His eyes focus on the lock, as he turns it.

"Rough night?"

[ikissdhimbck]

Another long pause.





"No."

[scurlock]

"Figured y'might be wantin' t'clear your head, s'all. Maybe that's why y'want t'head upstairs."

The kittens, glad to see their 'mama', uncurl from their pile of blankets on the couch, lazily stretching before slinking their way over to wind around her ankles.

[ikissdhimbck]

She doesn't bend or reach down to pet them. Eventually, Roz decides this means it's time to sit and cry for food. But Kate doesn't move.

"I only had a glass or two," she says, catching his meaning.

[scurlock]

"Not judgin', just tryin' t'figure, s'all."

Doc rubs at the back of his neck.

"What...what is it that's makin' this place loud?"

[ikissdhimbck]

She closes her eyes, shaking her head slowly.

"I just need some time alone. By myself."

She keeps her back to him.

[scurlock]

"That's fine...I can understand needin' space. S'just awful sudden, s'all."

He glances at her back.

(She looks skinny.)





"Did...did someone give y'trouble, downstairs?"

[ikissdhimbck]

"No," she sighs, shaking her head again. "I only spoke t'Guppy, 'tween comin' in from outside and comin' up here."

[scurlock]

"Oh?"

He takes a few steps closer, towards his desk.

"How's he doin'? S'been awhile since I spoke with him last."

[ikissdhimbck]

"S'fine. Tired. I drew pictures with Alex."

She swallows hard, glancing over her shoulder at Doc. She smiles tautly.

"His wife's havin' another baby."

[scurlock]

"She is?"

Doc smiles, but like hers, the motion is forced.

"That's...that's real good news for 'em. I hope everythin' goes well as can be."

He looks down at his feet, resisting the urge to shuffle them against the floor.

"I'll have t'congratulate him on gettin' t'be a father, again."

[ikissdhimbck]

"Yes. I'm real happy for 'em."

And she is. But she can't keep the quaver from her voice as she studies his body language.

'I'll have t'congratulate him on gettin' t'be a father


again.'

(Unlike Doc, who lost his son, and may never get to be a father again.)


That resolve, that strength of will, crumbles at last, like cordons snapping from a hollowed out building.

And it all comes tumbling down.

[scurlock]

He glances back over at her as the first shaking, breathless sob breaks free of her throat, eyes narrowing in confusion (and concern) as she begins to crack beneath the surface.

"Kate--"

He doesn't remember moving, but he's at her side, hands going out to her arms.

"Kate, darlin'--"

[ikissdhimbck]

She hangs her head heavily, her whole spine bowed with shame and sadness.

"I'm sorry," she chokes.

She doesn't feel steady anymore. She doesn't feel safe. She drops to her knees just to feel something solid beneath her.

[scurlock]

Doc catches her before she hits the ground, lowering himself to the floor with her.

'I'm sorry.'

"What for?"

His hand moves to settle against her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her to gently hug her -- if she'll let him.

[ikissdhimbck]

She braces her arms against his chest, hands curling at his collar. She doesn't fight his touch, but she feels like she might suffocate in his embrace. She's barely breathing as it is.

She can't find her voice. She can't find it through the heartache and the grief. He wasn't the only person she lost in Colorado, but he's the only one who came back. How did she think she could ever face him?

"I can't..."

[scurlock]

"I'm here..."

He doesn't push the contact, simply keeping a loose hold on her -- trying to give her support without giving her too much and boxing her in.

Fragments of his heart shatter with each tear that hits the hardwood, jagged-edged glass splinters littering the floorboards.

"And I'm not leavin'. S'alright, darlin', let it out."

[ikissdhimbck]

'I'm not leavin'.


"I can't..."

She shakes her head miserably, hands shaking as she fights to hold in sobs she can no longer control. If she wasn't so tired lately, if she wasn't so weak...

"M'...s-so...sorry."

[scurlock]

He desperately wants to know what she's trying to apologize for, but he knows he won't get it out of her while she's so upset. With one hand, he carefully strokes his fingers through her hair as he tries to make sense of it all.

Things have been so damn off, the last few weeks...

[ikissdhimbck]

"I can't ... give you a family."

She sounds utterly devastated, her voice brittle as ice on dead grass.

[scurlock]

"What--"

He thinks about her earlier words, and the announcement that Guppy's wife is with child.

"Darlin'...you are my family. And I'm gonna make it right someday, I promise that."

He will ask for her hand (again) when the time is right.