OOM: Room #25 (WARNING: Contains triggery content)

[ikissdhimbck]

[following this:]


After Guppy takes Alex home, Kate eventually does make it to the fire to warm up. Of course, by this point her body is already warm; it's her heart that feels chilled. She dispenses with the tea, and just takes the whiskey for a second and third drink.

It's late by the time she's able to muddle through her thoughts well enough to drag herself upstairs. All she wants to do is collapse into her bed and sleep, but once she reaches the landing--


Doc.


He'll be expecting her.

She stands there for a moment, gathering her wits about her.

I don't want him to see me like this.

She swallows hard, steeling herself for what she knows she has to do next. She can't just bypass his room without a word; not when they've been spending so many nights together. Not when he'll be expecting her. Not when they've just had the intimacy 'conversation.' She'll pull herself together long enough to tell him she needs a quiet night to sleep. Everything's fine, she just misses her own bed. She'll be right as rain come tomorrow.

When she stops outside his door, she doesn't take out her key and walk in. For some reason, tonight she knocks.

.

Comments

[scurlock]

"Figured y'might be wantin' t'clear your head, s'all. Maybe that's why y'want t'head upstairs."

The kittens, glad to see their 'mama', uncurl from their pile of blankets on the couch, lazily stretching before slinking their way over to wind around her ankles.

[ikissdhimbck]

She doesn't bend or reach down to pet them. Eventually, Roz decides this means it's time to sit and cry for food. But Kate doesn't move.

"I only had a glass or two," she says, catching his meaning.

[scurlock]

"Not judgin', just tryin' t'figure, s'all."

Doc rubs at the back of his neck.

"What...what is it that's makin' this place loud?"

[ikissdhimbck]

She closes her eyes, shaking her head slowly.

"I just need some time alone. By myself."

She keeps her back to him.

[scurlock]

"That's fine...I can understand needin' space. S'just awful sudden, s'all."

He glances at her back.

(She looks skinny.)





"Did...did someone give y'trouble, downstairs?"

[ikissdhimbck]

"No," she sighs, shaking her head again. "I only spoke t'Guppy, 'tween comin' in from outside and comin' up here."

[scurlock]

"Oh?"

He takes a few steps closer, towards his desk.

"How's he doin'? S'been awhile since I spoke with him last."

[ikissdhimbck]

"S'fine. Tired. I drew pictures with Alex."

She swallows hard, glancing over her shoulder at Doc. She smiles tautly.

"His wife's havin' another baby."

[scurlock]

"She is?"

Doc smiles, but like hers, the motion is forced.

"That's...that's real good news for 'em. I hope everythin' goes well as can be."

He looks down at his feet, resisting the urge to shuffle them against the floor.

"I'll have t'congratulate him on gettin' t'be a father, again."

[ikissdhimbck]

"Yes. I'm real happy for 'em."

And she is. But she can't keep the quaver from her voice as she studies his body language.

'I'll have t'congratulate him on gettin' t'be a father


again.'

(Unlike Doc, who lost his son, and may never get to be a father again.)


That resolve, that strength of will, crumbles at last, like cordons snapping from a hollowed out building.

And it all comes tumbling down.

[scurlock]

He glances back over at her as the first shaking, breathless sob breaks free of her throat, eyes narrowing in confusion (and concern) as she begins to crack beneath the surface.

"Kate--"

He doesn't remember moving, but he's at her side, hands going out to her arms.

"Kate, darlin'--"

[ikissdhimbck]

She hangs her head heavily, her whole spine bowed with shame and sadness.

"I'm sorry," she chokes.

She doesn't feel steady anymore. She doesn't feel safe. She drops to her knees just to feel something solid beneath her.

[scurlock]

Doc catches her before she hits the ground, lowering himself to the floor with her.

'I'm sorry.'

"What for?"

His hand moves to settle against her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her to gently hug her -- if she'll let him.

[ikissdhimbck]

She braces her arms against his chest, hands curling at his collar. She doesn't fight his touch, but she feels like she might suffocate in his embrace. She's barely breathing as it is.

She can't find her voice. She can't find it through the heartache and the grief. He wasn't the only person she lost in Colorado, but he's the only one who came back. How did she think she could ever face him?

"I can't..."

[scurlock]

"I'm here..."

He doesn't push the contact, simply keeping a loose hold on her -- trying to give her support without giving her too much and boxing her in.

Fragments of his heart shatter with each tear that hits the hardwood, jagged-edged glass splinters littering the floorboards.

"And I'm not leavin'. S'alright, darlin', let it out."

[ikissdhimbck]

'I'm not leavin'.


"I can't..."

She shakes her head miserably, hands shaking as she fights to hold in sobs she can no longer control. If she wasn't so tired lately, if she wasn't so weak...

"M'...s-so...sorry."

[scurlock]

He desperately wants to know what she's trying to apologize for, but he knows he won't get it out of her while she's so upset. With one hand, he carefully strokes his fingers through her hair as he tries to make sense of it all.

Things have been so damn off, the last few weeks...

[ikissdhimbck]

"I can't ... give you a family."

She sounds utterly devastated, her voice brittle as ice on dead grass.

[scurlock]

"What--"

He thinks about her earlier words, and the announcement that Guppy's wife is with child.

"Darlin'...you are my family. And I'm gonna make it right someday, I promise that."

He will ask for her hand (again) when the time is right.

[ikissdhimbck]

"No!"

Her hands curl into tight fists, and at last she stops fighting her tears. She sobs, breathless and angry, frustrated and defeated, every ounce of grief she never allowed herself to feel pouring out of every pore.

If not for his body, she might have collapsed on the floor, head to the hardwood in 'prayer'. But her face meets the folds of his skin-warmed shirt instead.

"I can't. I lost the baby!"

[scurlock]

Everything.

Goes.

Still.



(She's sobbing against his button-down, fabric soaked with her tears, ragged gasps for air leaving a ringing sensation in his ears as the room echos around him.)




"Darlin'..."

Oh my god.



He rests his chin against her shoulder and blindly pulls her into a hug, simply because there are no words to describe what he's feeling, and no words to ease her pain.

[ikissdhimbck]

Goldie's nosing around her boots, purring steadily as he scents the air, confused about what's going on. Roz is still mewling plaintively, a short distance off.

"I didn't even know ... I didn't even know!"

She's so angry; she had no idea how mad she was, but suddenly she can hardly breathe for how blind she is with rage. She cries desperately, and somewhere in the back of her mind she realizes she hasn't cried this hard since the day Doc died in her arms.

"I th-thought I was sick. From the infection. When it happened."

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry!

"I didn't... even know."

[scurlock]

"There...if y'didn't know y'were with child...then y'couldn't have known..."

He's trying to put the pieces together. Dates and events, how much stress she was under, in addition to the sickness from the infection; how hard she had to work to survive.

His hand is still running over her hair.

"It...nothin' could've told you..."



I could have, if I'd been there...instead of buried under dirt and snow in the grave.

[ikissdhimbck]

She shakes a little harder with every sob, fists curling so tight she can almost feel her nails punching through the skin.

She feels so stupid and so betrayed; cheated out of the one thing in the world she had left after losing Doc. She never got to lie awake at night worrying over names until after it was too late. She never got to touch him. She never got to sing him to sleep. The one good thing -- and it wasn't even good; it wasn't even right -- was that she wouldn't have to tell Doc that she lost his son or daughter.

And then he came back.

"It's my fault."

She should have been more careful. She should have been more wise. She should have known; she should have done something. She should have been able to do something.

'God will punish you!'

"It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault!" she chokes, desperate screams muffled by raging tears.

[scurlock]

"Sweetheart, no..."

His voice wavers as she trembles in his arms, his throat feeling raw as he tries to find words.

"It's not your fault."