Victoria County, Texas, 1888 -- OOM for Ben Wade

[ikissdhimbck]

[following this:]


The door dropped them off out in the middle of nowhere -- right were Kate was, the last time she'd been 'home.' When she'd left Green Lake after confronting Trout, she'd ridden north with little thought in mind other than putting some distance between the Walker estate and herself. If she had any point of reference, she might have known this put her right in the middle of the 44 Ranch, but there was nothing to see for miles but brush and scrub and river water and dirt.

She and Ben had mounted up and kept going north, following the river until nightfall. Their ride had been somewhat reserved, quiet, and somber. The both of them had a lot to think about, after the morning's events back in Milliways.

Setting up camp was also a quiet affair, punctuated by brief discussions of where they should tie the horses, who should build the fire, what they should cook and eat -- anything they could think of that didn't touch on the subject of Doc, or the limp in Kate's step.

Ben took first watch following supper, offering to also take the third. But after he woke Kate for her turn at second watch, she was up, and didn't bother waking him when the time came around for him to take over. Her eyes were on the horizon, and the clear night sky overhead.

She had missed her Texas sky.

.

Comments

[ikissdhimbck]

She wants so damn bad to impress him. She wants so badly to show him that she's not weak, that she can survive out here with a price on her head, and that she can be more than a hotheaded fool.

But right now, none of that really matters.

She tips herself onto his embrace, burying her face in his chest.

But she doesn't cry.

[almosthonorable]

He wraps his arm around her shoulders and holds her, not saying a word, in case talking's not what she wants or needs.

(The words would be empty platitudes, anyway, more useless than anything.)

[ikissdhimbck]

She hasn't slept more than a handful of hours in the last forty-eight. The embrace is comforting.


"Why does this keep happening?"


It's rather apparent what she means, though the question sounds more like 'What do I keep doing wrong?' as she speaks it.

[almosthonorable]

"'Man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward,'" he says quietly, quoting Job 5:7.

"But, hell, sometimes I don't know if there's reason behind it at all -- what is just is, happens as it will."

[ikissdhimbck]

She's thinking about Doc, that morning in the stables. She thinks about Bill and Kate and Boo having to say goodbye; about what Guppy had discovered during her check-up last week; about that unmarked grave up in the Colorado mountains, in a world that had been like a bier for them both (even if Kate had gotten back up).

"None'a this would'a ever happened if I just ... If I hadn't been so lost and lonely..."

So hurt and scared.

"I told 'im. I told him this would happen, but he just wouldn't listen. I know he wouldn't take a darned thing back, but it just don't change the fact that he was so stupid. And stubborn. I could'a saved him. If only we weren't together that mornin', I could've... I could've..."

Traded places.

All those lost lives in exchange for her own.

[almosthonorable]

"What happened happened, Kate. It might not be pretty, but there it is."

He shakes his head.

"Every step you've taken has gotten you here, same as the rest of us, wherever we're at. Second-guessin' the past only gets you headache and heartache."

[ikissdhimbck]

"I'm so tired of achin'."

She nuzzles against him slightly to feel the warm scratch of his shirt against the flush of her cheeks. Her eyelashes are sticking together.

"So tired of makin' the wrong choice."

[almosthonorable]

His arm tightens a fraction.

Gently, "Then start makin' the right ones."

[ikissdhimbck]

She laughs within herself, but on the outside she stays quiet.






(She sniffles.)

"You wanna hear somethin' funny?"

[almosthonorable]

"Reckon we could both use a laugh."

[ikissdhimbck]

She chokes.







"I'm twenty-two years old."


Most women her age are just having their first or second baby. Most are on farms they've lived on their whole lives, or in towns they know inside and out better than their nightly mending.

She laughs helplessly.

[almosthonorable]

He angles a downward glance at the top of her head.

" -- did I miss the punchline?"

[ikissdhimbck]

She shakes her head without picking it up, a wry smile curling her mouth.

She closes her eyes, momentarily distracted by the warmth in her cheeks.

"No. Maybe y'just had to be there."

That also seems to be funny as hell.

[almosthonorable]

"Happy birthday?"

A beat.

"Belated birthday?"

[ikissdhimbck]

She laughs anew, only quietly hysterical.

Her hands go to her face, and for the briefest moment you can't really be sure if she's laughing or crying.



At length, she takes a deep breath.

"It's not my birthday," she says while exhaling. "I just feel so much older, sometimes. And then, sometimes... I still feel like I'm in school."

[almosthonorable]

He runs his free hand through his hair, aging five years within a handful of heartbeats in the shadows.

"You grow up fast when you make a name for yourself -- you have to. There ain't a whole lotta time for anything else."

[ikissdhimbck]

She nods, almost imperceptibly.

The majority of her weight is still pressed against his side.

"Been feelin' it."

[almosthonorable]

"How?"

[ikissdhimbck]

She sits quiet for a long while.




"By realizin' I can't hold on t'everything."


Another long pause.




"Or keep everybody safe at once."

[almosthonorable]

Quietly, "There's nobody who can. It's not the easiest lesson to learn, but not bein' able to be everywhere at once doesn't make you a failure."

[ikissdhimbck]

She knows he's right.

But still, part of her keeps crying out that she doesn't have to be everywhere, if she could just be in the right place at the right time.

"I tried," she says, eyes unfocused. "I really tried. An' I thought I could do it. Almost did. Just a couple more minutes, s'all it would'a took. If I hadn't... hadn't stopped so long in the bar t'say goodbye. If I'd just left Beaut, and we didn't have t'waste the time gettin' the tack..."

She shakes her head, loosely wrapping her arms around his middle to ward off a sudden chill.

"But I couldn't. I think I always knew that, but I just didn't want to admit it. So I learned. The hard way. And now I gotta live with that."

Darkly, she sees the irony in her living with those mistakes while Doc won't ever see the light of another day, but wisely doesn't voice those thoughts.

"And I am."

[almosthonorable]

He's quiet a minute.

Then, "Are you?"

[ikissdhimbck]

"Startin' to," she answers honestly. "Learnin' how. Bit by bit.


"Doin' that growin' up you've been talkin' 'bout for so long."

[almosthonorable]

It isn't funny, but one corner of his mouth twitches.

"Hey, now, you make it sound like I've been naggin' at you."

[ikissdhimbck]

"You? Nag?"

She's found a comfortable spot, her eyes blinking heavily as she masterfully keeps her own smile at bay.

"Now, who would think such a silly thing like that?"