Victoria County, Texas, 1888 -- OOM for Ben Wade

[ikissdhimbck]

[following this:]


The door dropped them off out in the middle of nowhere -- right were Kate was, the last time she'd been 'home.' When she'd left Green Lake after confronting Trout, she'd ridden north with little thought in mind other than putting some distance between the Walker estate and herself. If she had any point of reference, she might have known this put her right in the middle of the 44 Ranch, but there was nothing to see for miles but brush and scrub and river water and dirt.

She and Ben had mounted up and kept going north, following the river until nightfall. Their ride had been somewhat reserved, quiet, and somber. The both of them had a lot to think about, after the morning's events back in Milliways.

Setting up camp was also a quiet affair, punctuated by brief discussions of where they should tie the horses, who should build the fire, what they should cook and eat -- anything they could think of that didn't touch on the subject of Doc, or the limp in Kate's step.

Ben took first watch following supper, offering to also take the third. But after he woke Kate for her turn at second watch, she was up, and didn't bother waking him when the time came around for him to take over. Her eyes were on the horizon, and the clear night sky overhead.

She had missed her Texas sky.

.

Comments

[ikissdhimbck]

She laughs anew, only quietly hysterical.

Her hands go to her face, and for the briefest moment you can't really be sure if she's laughing or crying.



At length, she takes a deep breath.

"It's not my birthday," she says while exhaling. "I just feel so much older, sometimes. And then, sometimes... I still feel like I'm in school."

[almosthonorable]

He runs his free hand through his hair, aging five years within a handful of heartbeats in the shadows.

"You grow up fast when you make a name for yourself -- you have to. There ain't a whole lotta time for anything else."

[ikissdhimbck]

She nods, almost imperceptibly.

The majority of her weight is still pressed against his side.

"Been feelin' it."

[almosthonorable]

"How?"

[ikissdhimbck]

She sits quiet for a long while.




"By realizin' I can't hold on t'everything."


Another long pause.




"Or keep everybody safe at once."

[almosthonorable]

Quietly, "There's nobody who can. It's not the easiest lesson to learn, but not bein' able to be everywhere at once doesn't make you a failure."

[ikissdhimbck]

She knows he's right.

But still, part of her keeps crying out that she doesn't have to be everywhere, if she could just be in the right place at the right time.

"I tried," she says, eyes unfocused. "I really tried. An' I thought I could do it. Almost did. Just a couple more minutes, s'all it would'a took. If I hadn't... hadn't stopped so long in the bar t'say goodbye. If I'd just left Beaut, and we didn't have t'waste the time gettin' the tack..."

She shakes her head, loosely wrapping her arms around his middle to ward off a sudden chill.

"But I couldn't. I think I always knew that, but I just didn't want to admit it. So I learned. The hard way. And now I gotta live with that."

Darkly, she sees the irony in her living with those mistakes while Doc won't ever see the light of another day, but wisely doesn't voice those thoughts.

"And I am."

[almosthonorable]

He's quiet a minute.

Then, "Are you?"

[ikissdhimbck]

"Startin' to," she answers honestly. "Learnin' how. Bit by bit.


"Doin' that growin' up you've been talkin' 'bout for so long."

[almosthonorable]

It isn't funny, but one corner of his mouth twitches.

"Hey, now, you make it sound like I've been naggin' at you."

[ikissdhimbck]

"You? Nag?"

She's found a comfortable spot, her eyes blinking heavily as she masterfully keeps her own smile at bay.

"Now, who would think such a silly thing like that?"

[almosthonorable]

He rolls one shoulder, giving her a gentle nudge while a chortle rumbles in his chest.

"No call to get all smart about it."

[ikissdhimbck]

A smile twists her face, and she breathes her own quiet, sincere chuckle.

"Sorry," she says, her tone entirely teasing.

There's a long pause then. She's still, and breathing easy, and by all appearances could have fallen asleep.




"Dunno what it is 'bout you, Ben."

[almosthonorable]

He stifles a smartass response (for once in his life) and quirks an eyebrow, though Kate can't see it.

"What about me?"

[ikissdhimbck]

She makes a small, noncommittal noise.






"S'important. Makin' you proud of me."

It might be because he's always protected her, even when he drove her crazy and teased her mercilessly.

It might be because there are half a dozen tiny things about him that remind her of her daddy.

[almosthonorable]

"I'm flattered."

And he is --

"But that ain't somethin' you should ever worry over. Out here, pullin' jobs and flyin' by your coattail, what you gotta focus on is makin' yourself proud, Kate."

[ikissdhimbck]

She nods, after a moment's hesitation.

(She hasn't slept much and she's barely eaten, the whiskey is doing a real fine job of relaxing her.)

"Justice for a good man."

It's something Doc said once, about John Tunstall. It was worth all the fighting and all the hell he and his Regulators went through in the Lincoln County Wars. It was for John.

"M'proud."


This is for Sam.




And for Doc.

[almosthonorable]

"That's a noble cause."

A beat.

"But this is a selfish business. You gotta be doin' what you're doin' for you, more'n anybody else."

Ideals get you dead sooner rather than later.

[ikissdhimbck]

Another long pause.





Eventually, she lifts her head and props her chin on his chest instead, looking up at him with her brow furrowed.

"The Walkers took my home, burned my school, ruined my name, and shot Sam right in front of me. Y'really think I'm not doin' this for me, too?"

The words are murmured as quiet fact, no bitterness or aggression in her tone.

[almosthonorable]

He meets her eyes and doesn't blink.

"I hope you are."

[ikissdhimbck]

She holds his gaze for a long time.



Pursing her lips together, she nods to herself.




"I made the right choice."

[almosthonorable]

He doesn't tilt his head, but his eyes narrow slightly at the corners.

"Which one?"

[ikissdhimbck]

A subtle, sickened look briefly filters across her features. She swallows softly, pressing her temple back against his shoulder.



"Killin' that sheriff," she says. "Ridin' out of town. Not lookin' back.




"Even if I could, I wouldn't. Wouldn't go back."

[almosthonorable]

He readjusts his arm around her and nods once, to himself.

"That's a good start, then."

[ikissdhimbck]

She sighs, nodding slightly.

"An' I want you to teach me the rest. Y'know, the not flyin' off and gettin' killed part."

Like earlier, it's really not funny but her mouth quirks into a smile anyway.