OOM: Room #100 - drinking aftermath (part 2)

[ikissdhimbck]

[following this:]


It's a long and restless night, both for the outlaw, and for the Russian astronaut.

Once or twice, Kate jarred Esfir from slumber by waking with a start and lunging for that trash can. Who knew a body that tiny could survive being sick so many times in one night?

Esfir finally decided to forsake her spot in the armchair after the last time Kate was sick, settling next to her in bed.

"Momma?" Kate had murmured, half asleep and disoriented.







"Go back to sleep, Katyushka."

It wasn't long after that when dawn broke.

.

Comments

[ikissdhimbck]

She keeps her head down, shaking it once again.

"I jus' wanted t'feel somethin'. People here, s'nothin' big t'them. I thought I'd feel better, I thought... thought it'd fix things. S'my fault, fer drinkin' an' lettin' myself..."

She lets go of him, covering her face with her hands.

"Now I lost my honor, top'a everythin' else. Can't take it back."

But she won't ever have her white wedding, with her proud father walking her down the aisle, anyway. What's one more indiscretion in a life full of sin?

[scurlock]

"Kate, that ain't all that makes up honor," he protests gently. "I know what it's like t'just want to feel somethin', or just want to forget somethin'. You just want t'make everything stop hurtin' for awhile so you look for a distraction. It...it's a natural response t'stress and pressure."

And God knows she's been through enough of that, lately.

"We're all human, and when you're out there...the education and the upbringing stripped away...you just react different. And nobody can blame you for it - nobody should blame you for it, because they ain't livin' your life and they've got no place to cast shame upon you for a choice you make."

He pauses briefly to collect his thoughts.

"Of course people are gonna look down at you, spit on you and call y'a sinner and a bunch'a other names but you have to know that they ain't got a leg t'stand on because it ain't their life. You have to know that, or you'll start believin' what they're sayin' 'bout you in the papers and in the bars is true, and then you'll turn into what they're writin' about...and that ain't ever the way to do things without gettin' in trouble."

[ikissdhimbck]

She drops her hands, a wry, watery laugh escaping in short puffs. Her eyes are still closed when she mutters:

"Maybe I'm already the woman they been writin' 'bout."

Opening them, she looks at him again, blinking to put his face in focus.

"'She kisses the men she kills,' s'my trademark. I ain't never done nothin' but hurt you. Got Sam killed. Murdered three men. I wasn't even there when they shot my daddy."

She drops her head again, staring at his hands -- one brown, the other smudged with that silky white scar.

"I hate you for havin' a family, for not tellin' me. For goin' back t'them an' keepin' it secret. For trustin' your friends here more'n y'trust me. I hate feelin' second best.



"But mostly I hate m'self, 'cuz I'll never be able t'give you what y'had with Yen."

[scurlock]

His stomach drops somewhere into his boots (or his socks, since he's not wearing any boots at the moment) with an icy feeling running down his spine.

"I know you won't be what I had with Yen, Kate...I've always known that. I don't want what I had with her, I want t'make somethin' different with you. You ain't some...I ain't lookin' for someone t'replace what I lost, t'be the woman I used to be married to. That's never...you ain't some second-best replacement that I want just 'cause I can't have the woman I married the first time around, it ain't like that. I would never expect you to do that, and I'd never want you to."

He's being very serious - but at the same time, there's a quiet disbelief in the edges of his voice, simply because she was never a replacement for Yen - as he speaks.

Doc reaches for her hands.

"I want to be with you. Kate Barlow. For who you are."

[ikissdhimbck]

She shakes her head fiercely, looking up with desperation in her too-bright eyes.

"I can't give you children. I can't give you a home. I ain't got no dowry; nothin' t'my name. The only thing I'm gonna give you is a big red target on your back."

[scurlock]

Without missing a beat - but without being 'funny' about it, he replies.

"I'm very good at ridin' with a big red target on my back."

He's had a lot of practice.



He shakes his head, growing a bit more sober as he reaches for her hands.

"I don't need children, or a home with a wife tendin' to the housework. I don't need a dowry, and you don't gotta feel bad 'bout not havin' one to offer. I don't need the life they tell y'to dream about when you're small, all I need is you, Kate. And if that comes with a big red target on my back, then I'll have you know that I've got a good trigger fingers and a fast horse to take care of that. I just need you."

[ikissdhimbck]

She closes her eyes to fight back her tears, shaking her head and murmuring 'no' again and again. Eventually, she tips forward, her head falling against his shoulder.

(She squeezes his hands tightly.)

"I can't lose you. I can't lose you, too."

[scurlock]

He leans forward slightly, keeping her hands steady in his.

"If you push me away, you ain't gonna have me at all. If you let me in, then you'll have me for as long as we're in this together, 'til the very end of it."

[ikissdhimbck]

"At least keepin' my distance, I know you're safe."

[scurlock]

"Might be safer, but I ain't gonna be happy like you're hopin', sorry to say it."

[ikissdhimbck]

"Fool."

[scurlock]

"Yeah."

He sighs gently and runs his thumb over her knuckles, wishing that he could lean in and press his lips against her neck, or nuzzle his cheek against hers.

"But at least I'm bein' honest."

[ikissdhimbck]

She's quiet for a long while. She's still upset, but unsure of what else to say.

Shivering, she eventually pulls back so she can gather the blankets back up around her.

[scurlock]

"Do you feel up t'maybe drinkin' a bit of hot tea?"

He's not sure what to say either - he feels better, slightly, about the entire situation - but it's still not settled as he'd like it to be. He moves the blankets slightly to tuck them in.

Once he figures out what to say next, he'll say it.

[ikissdhimbck]

"No."

She curls on her side, looking away from him.







"Well, maybe."

[scurlock]

"I can get some from the bar, do you have a flavor in particular you like better'n others?"

His fingers itch to run along her shoulder, and he has to curl them into a fist to keep them still.

[ikissdhimbck]

"S'been a bit. Jus' black, s'what I usually git."

It isn't easy being so nonchalant, when seconds earlier they were so very serious. She closes her eyes to the dull throb in her head, which has been aggravated by her tempestuous emotions.

[scurlock]

"All right," he replies. He doesn't move right away, however.

"Kate, I..."

[ikissdhimbck]

She slowly opens her eyes, her blue irises churning with hope.

"Yes?"

[scurlock]

The words stick in his throat, and he has to swallow to clear the tightness away. He feels guilty, all of a sudden, and a bit ashamed at the way things have happened between them.

"I'm sorry for makin' you feel like I was just lookin' for someone to replace Yen. That was never...never what I wanted us to be. Not who I wanted you to be. I love...you. Kate Barlow, and everything she is."

[ikissdhimbck]

Her stomach flips.

It's been such a long time since she's heard him say those words.

'I love...you. Kate Barlow, and everything she is.'





"Everythin'?"

[scurlock]

"Every single piece of you," he murmurs, conviction strong in his words even with the quiet tone he keeps. "Every piece of your heart and soul, every scar and mark, every ounce of fire and every shred of passion and love you have...every single piece of you. Everythin'."

[ikissdhimbck]

Her eyes glisten, but she does not shed a tear.




A small smirk.

"You really are a fool."

[scurlock]

A fool for you, maybe.

He dares a hint of a smile.


"I'd say you're right."

[ikissdhimbck]

She reaches out and calmly draws her fingertips along the back of his left hand.